The Ability to Judge Oh-So-Well
My mother taught me how to be discerning.
Seriously discerning.
As in, don’t wear pants so tight that they show a panty line. Don’t butter a roll in your hand. Don’t go out of the house without makeup on. Don’t put your elbows on the dinner table.
She was my Girl Scout leader. She taught us when you sing “Taps” around the campfire, you sing, “from the lakes, from the hills, from the sky…” and there is only one sky. It’s not skies. She would repeat this over and over, and we would practice until everyone got it right.
A cousin told me my mother once apologized for wearing a sweater with sandals. As if she was violating some law of the universe!
My mother's great but strict role modeling taught me to be discerning. And this skill led me to working as an editor for 10 years. As an editor, you’re trained to be discerning. To clean up language. To look for mistakes. To take something and make it better.
It was great fun. Of course, I did become more attached to the rules (as in, don’t put two spaces after a period, everyone!).
But the challenge with discernment?
I’m finding lately that constantly assessing in this way is thinking that this is right, and that is wrong. It can be tied to perfectionism. To a sense of lack. To exclusion, rather than inclusion.
I was once participating in a group team-building activity, creating structures with marshmallows, spaghetti, and gumdrops. The idea was to see whose team—organized by personality type—could build the largest structure. But we only got so far before I realized we were working with thin spaghetti. It broke easily. So, when I turned in our group’s supplies, I said to the facilitator, “You should consider getting regular spaghetti next time. It would work better for this.”
The facilitator laughed. She said she usually buys regular spaghetti, but this time, her husband had bought it. (And then she mentioned that I clearly was in the right personality grouping—just by the fact that I had to point this out.)
That’s discernment on both sides, people.
Clearly, there are some challenges here.
Discernment is about judgment. Consider that discerning voice that lives in many people’s heads:
I am too fat.
I should be further along in my career.
I should be working out more.
I am too scared to ask for a promotion.
I should drink less wine.
I am too wimpy when it comes to conflict.
It’s that voice in our heads that says, “You’ll never get it right! You’ll never be good enough!”
What do you tell yourself that is more judgmental than helpful?
What do you think about others that is the same?
Usually, you can sense which your thought is—judgment or helping—by digging deep and connecting to your gut. The answer is there about the spirit behind the discernment. And then you can choose to move forward more consciously.
Fortunately, we are in a world where many rules have changed. What was acceptable for my mother’s generation (e.g., women should go to secretarial school or get married) is now recognized as archaic. Today, you can eat standing up if you want. You can work at your kitchen table at home. You can wear pajamas when you go to Target. You can sing Taps however you want—and then post it that way on TikTok to share with the universe.
There are benefits to living in the world we are in today. The options are limitless. The voices you can bring to the table are diverse and unique.
But one thing that hasn’t changed? We need to be more intentional with that discerning voice in our heads. In other words, we must learn to be more discerning with that discerning voice.
I think sometimes when I leave my house, “Mom would be horrified at what I am wearing!” But then I go anyway.
We can choose when we want to listen to that discerning voice.
And choose when we don't.