Conflictus Minimus

It was Saturday night, 10 pm, when I saw the day’s mail. There was an official-looking letter from the Department of Safety to my son.

Inquiring mothers want to know. So, I texted him.

My son texted me back right away—which isn’t always the case—and said it was from an unpaid speeding violation. He also said let’s talk about it tomorrow, he will take care of it, and that he loves me.

Somehow, the planets were aligned, the angels were singing, and I was calm. So I texted back, “Ok.”

I don’t know where that Ok came from. I have no idea why I didn’t freak out like I usually do when he goes off course.

He called me the following morning. At the end of our conversation, he said, “Oh, I also want to thank you for how you handled that situation last night.”

Essentially, he was saying: “Thanks, Mom, for not going into a tailspin. Thanks for not sending me text after text hammering me about something late at night when I’m with my friends.”

“You’re welcome,” I said. And “I love you too.”

I laughed at this afterwards. My kid gave me kudos for being a good mom. For handling a conversation skillfully.

I am learning, aren't I? It's taken me his 23 years of life to get here. But I'm making progress. Conflict is part of what it means to be human! At least since the Middle Ages. The Latin word conflictus: the “act of striking together.”

So how do we extricate ourselves from that striking together again and again with grace? Especially with those we love?

I responded with a little less grace at work recently. I got a little tweaked by an email, was caught in the moment of overreacting, and fired off a response to a colleague (which they say you should never do). I later regretted it.

But it’s possible to say after the fact, “That was just me reacting, and I am sorry” (which I did in this case). And thank the person for being understanding and giving me grace (which I did in this case).

We are infallibly human. We don’t think in advance of a discussion, “I am going to be a jerk to _______ today. I am going to overreact to the next thing that happens to me.” Instead, our brains get triggered, and off we go.

On the Relationship Matters podcast recently, I heard some suggested language for this. In the heat of the moment, you can say: “I don’t seem to be handling this conversation skillfully right now. I need some time to get myself to a place where I can be skillful in this discussion.”

How brilliant! I am going to practice using that language. And especially with my child.

Dear Son:

I know you need some more time to be more skillful. I do too. And for all those times I overreacted, thanks for giving me the grace that I haven’t done everything perfectly. There will be times I am more skillful, and times when I will be less skillful. Thanks for letting me be and have all of that as your mom.

Oh, and by the way, this is the same grace I give you when you don’t pay speeding tickets. And the same grace I give you when you speed at all.

Slow down. And love you!

Mom