The Truth Will Set You Free

Can you remember a time when you heard a truth that you did not want to take in?

A time that stands out in your memory because what was said just rang true?

And you didn't like it?

I can think of one.

It was back when I was married, in a relationship with a wonderful man, but who was a highly-functioning alcoholic. And we had a son who was only 3 or 4.

It was a turbulent time. We were trying to make it work. He was really good about never drinking around us, and I was trying to hang in for the sake of our son. But one night, I said to a dear friend, “I know I can’t stay in this relationship much longer, because it won’t be long before my son notices something is off.”

I had this sense that my son was so young that he wasn’t really paying attention. That he didn’t know somehow.

But my friend stopped me. She grabbed my hand, and said gently but firmly, “Your son already knows. He already knows something is off.”

I’ll never forget that moment.

Because she was right.

It’s basic human nature to develop a comfortable understanding of our world and how we fit in it.

To have this picture of how things are, how they work. Sometimes the way we want them to be. And then we defend this perspective of the world with all of might.

We can be quite attached to views like this of our world. And it can be a struggle to let other insights or information in that could change that perspective.

Sometimes, as in this case, we hold tight to those views, even if they don’t serve us.

Other times, views might be more benign, such as believing “I can’t do this, or I am not good at that.” Or we might hold fast to views of ourselves even when feedback comes from others that contradicts who we think we are.

What happens when contradictory information is presented? Especially if it’s true?

A colleague described this perfectly when he said recently: The truth will set you free—but not before it sets you off.

Painful truths can cause discord.

Because they don't always match what what our cognitive or heart-brain tells us.

A seasoned DEI consultant was recently telling our team how she handles it when someone shares information that conflicts what she believes or knows.

“When I find myself resisting what they are saying, and want to refute it,” she said, “I always say, ‘Tell me more.’”

If more conflicting information with what she believes or knows continues to come in, she says, “Tell me more,” again.

Tell me more, again.

And again.

Tell me more, universe. What is it you are trying to get me to see?

In the end, I stayed in my marriage longer than I should—10 years. Because I thought I was taking care of my husband. I thought he had a problem, and I was holding us all together.

That may have been partly true.

But my friend also said, “Your husband does not have a prayer as long as you are around.”

I didn’t like that idea at all. I thought he had a prayer only if I was.

But in the end, she was right. Eventually, I had to learn to detach with love (and honestly, some anger and despair) and let him find his own path.

And I did.

And he did.

Mark Nepo says, “Sometimes courage is not defending what we know to be true but letting in all that is beyond our understanding.”

I am still learning how to do that.

Today, my ex is almost 20 years sober, and we have a beautiful relationship. And he has a deep connection with our son.

He has found his ground.

And I am finding mine.

In the end, the truth did set me free. It set all of us free.