Managing That Mindless Chatter

I want to introduce you to my dear friend, 4:00 am.

Not so sure what is so magical about this wee hour, but lately, it has been huddling up. Tapping me on the shoulder as I’m trying to dream. Showing up when I don’t want it. Relentlessly.

I dragged myself out of bed the other day and sat reading in my office chair, pushing away at the disquiet. It was intensely dark out. I said to myself, “This feeling is just apprehension. It’s just anxiety. It will pass. Just do something, distract yourself. Once it’s light out, you’ll feel better.”

I am not sure where this feeling came from. Perhaps a dream. Perhaps hormones. It was a jittery, not-sure-what-I’m-worried-about feeling. And it wasn’t until mid-morning—several work hours later—that I realized the feeling had passed. Just like that slightly neurotic but comforting voice in my head had promised.

I had been somewhat successful talking myself off the ledge. Just one of many different kinds of conversations that shape our lives.

Coach Rick Tamlyn says that our lives are designed through conversation—that it actually creates our experience. I had never thought about it that way before. But I think he’s right, especially when it comes to those sometimes-not-helpful conversations in our heads. There are different kinds of dialogues that make up this experience, some more slippery than others:

1) Conversations we consciously have with ourselves

2) Conversations we unconsciously have with ourselves

3) Conversations we have with other people

4) Conversations that remain unspoken with other people

What other dialogues can you think of?

Consider it: The world moves around and through exchanges we have with one another—whether verbal, written, through social media, or through practices or activities we share. Many forms of work are exchanges of ideas and energy. People working on a project, selling goods, doing fundraisers, playing soccer, or even doing yoga in shared spaces are having conversations with one another.

Most of us are somewhat skilled at navigating these conversations with others—#3 and #4. But those we have with ourselves…oh my, that’s another story. Especially the lying-in-bed-trying-to-fall-back-asleep conversation.

Some of my favorites are:

“Ugh, I have so much on my plate—what if I can’t get everything done tomorrow I need to?”

“What is my son doing right now? Is he out doing something he shouldn't? I wish I spent more time with him when he was little. I could have been a better mom.”

“Am I going to lose my mind before this pandemic is over? I am not sure I can take any more of this.”

Or “I ate way too many Jelly Bellys last night. Why don’t I have more self-control?”

These thoughts partner up with me regularly. They hang out like an annoying kid in the neighborhood that follows me around.

But the unconscious dialogues are even tougher. What are the conversations I have with myself 24-7 that I am not aware of? What are those secret fears hiding in the wings that I don't even realize I hold...or that I am afraid to name?

Wrangling unhelpful internal conversations to the ground is a life-long journey. Awareness of internal mindless chatter can bring us one step closer to standing in choice around what we do next. And these dialogues certainly influence the ones we have with others.

The average human speaks about 16,000 words a day. And who knows how many more thousand words are combining in our heads? Thoughts pile on top of one another, creating structures in our lives just like wooden blocks in Jenga. All of that stacking—even with a bit of air here or there—can easily preoccupy the mind.

What’s in your pile? What block would you like to remove if you could? I know I have a few I'd toss in a recycling bin in a second.