Hello, March

It was such a good January.

A 30-day cleanse: no sugar, caffeine, potatoes or white rice, no dairy, processed foods, artificial sweeteners, Diet Coke, or alcohol. For a month, I eliminated everything that is fun.

After all those fruits and vegetables and plant-based protein shakes, my body was singing, “Oh what a beautiful morning / Oh what a beautiful day / I've got a wonderful feeling / Everything's going my way.”

I completed a 30-day yoga series at the same time to release toxins from my system. But before I continue, I should clarify that I made it almost 30 days. It was 21 before I hit a roadblock. A little mutiny on this bounty of chia seeds and kale. So I enjoyed one or two glasses of wine that last week. And a chocolate chip cookie. A little cheese.

After that last week of half-hearted commitment? February came: the turning of the calendar page. And I crumbled.

Chip and Dan Heath shared in their book Switch that self-control is an exhaustible resource. If you make kids (or grown-ups) ignore cookies on a plate in front of them and eat radishes instead, eventually they will wear down and lose any shred of willpower they had had before.

Have you lost all senses of self-control, or is it just me?

I recently read an article in Spirituality and Health magazine called “Right Now, We’re All Dysregulated.” The author shared that if we don’t release trauma from our nervous system, we become dysregulated—more anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed. We can move through life turned “on” in this dysregulated state—or we can turn “off,” and shut down, disassociate, detach.

When we are self-regulated on the other hand, we are grounded, peaceful, able to ask for support when we need it—we have agency over our own lives. Isn't that a beautiful word, "agency?"

January, I had agency. I was self-regulated. In February, I suddenly was in the deep end.

But there is an ebb and flow in this. A yin and a yang. A push and a pull. A forward and a back. Peace and conflict go together. Anxiety and calm do too. Joy and suffering are close siblings. So, I’m following this flow and where it took me last month, and embracing both the regulation and dysregulation. Embracing the part of me I’m proud of—and the part who horrifies me with her lack of self-control.

I feel like an ocean buoy ringing its haunted bell in the middle of thick fog—marking where the jagged rocks are. At times, waves bend me to the point that it seems I might submerge. But I always pop back up, upright myself, waves smooth over, and the seas calm.

The thing with being a buoy is one must remember we are here to measure wave height, temperature, and the speed and direction of the wind. This is what it means to be human, right? To embrace the strength and the fragility of it all?

Sonya Choquette says in her beautiful book The Answer Is Simple that “We’re not here to get over our humanness, but rather to accept and make peace with it.”

Peace be with you, glass of Pinot Noir. Peace be with you, sour cream and onion potato chips. Peace be with you, disciplined yogi. Peace be with you, Cadbury eggs. Peace be with you hormonal softness in my belly. Peace be with you, dear ones who are out there regulating and dysregulating.

This is me. This is March. This is us.